An excerpt from Loving the Pink Kiss
Chapter one – For the Love of Immigration
Chapter Two – Butterflies in my Stomach
Chapter Three – My First Gay Club
Chapter Four – Boobs, Bums and the Naked Truth
Chapter Five – Let’s get it on
Chapter Six – Bitter Sweet Encounters
Chapter Seven – Pleasurable Torture
Chapter Eight – When Lies Become Truth
Chapter Nine – Three up Two Down
Chapter Ten – Team Charlie
Chapter Eleven – A Favour for Robbie
Chapter Twelve – Bonding with Kate
Chapter Thirteen – Jessica’s Big News
Chapter Fourteen – Robbie’s back and She’s Brought Baggage
Chapter Fifteen – Swing Low Little Sister
Chapter Sixteen – Pink Hearts and a New Makeover
Chapter Seventeen – How She Met My Mother
Chapter Eighteen – Destination Love
When I wrote this story all maturity went out of the window. So I decided to replace it with humour, drama, romance and a few sex scenes. If maturity is what you are after well then I’m afraid you’re not going to find it in here. Life can be all too serious so I took the experiences that I myself or my friends and colleagues have endured during our lives and turned it all into a fictional comedy. Apart from the immigration scam I could say that probably 95% of this story has been based on factual events and I’d like to share them with you.
Sarah Niles is 23 years old and the kind of girl who loves to party and shag Jake. This is just a guy that she sees on the odd occasion and has no intention of getting into a so called proper relationship with him. She also likes to slip into a deep drunken sleep every Friday night after dancing away to her favourite music at her favourite night club. Her lifestyle although not boring had become typically routine and Sarah was beginning to feel as though she needed some excitement in her life to keep herself from growing insanely dull.
Jessica is her best friend of many years. She has recently been informed by a work colleague Debs; that she has a friend in desperate need to stay in the country. This friend Robbie is a Canadian and has amazing blue eyes and a really nice smile apparently. Robbie has a limited time to stay in the country before being asked to leave, courtesy of her majesties service. So a plan (more like a scam) was set in place and that marriage would be the answer to ensure a guaranteed postponement to Robbie’s current situation.
This is where Sarah stepped in. Not just to look like the big martyr because the five thousand pounds payment that had been offered took precedence over that, but for the sheer fact that she simply could just do it. But please bear in mind that she was completely pissed out of her tree when she so politely put herself on offer to be the dutiful wife and missed out on a few important facts about Robbie, this information will become a little clearer when you first meet her spouse to be.
Sarah didn’t have to lift a finger when it came to making preparations for the wedding as Debs took complete control of everything. She arranged the registry office and the date and all Sarah had to do was show up on the big day. She hadn’t even met Debs in person herself yet as all details had been passed on via Jessica. And whilst we’re on the subject of Jessica she too has the knack for ignoring the important details which gets us to the reason why Sarah is soon in the position that she is about to be placed in. But Sarah didn’t care about the minor details because if she had listened a little more carefully she would have been clued in to the incredible journey that she was just about to embark on.
This story begins on the morning of the wedding and Sarah is preparing herself diligently. It seems that she pays so much more attention to her vanity than she does to her circumstances.
For the Love of Immigration
‘I am doing the right thing, I know am.’ I chanted to myself as I stared into the mirror searching for any imperfections in my makeup.
“Its 11.15 are you ready yet?” Jessica shouted trying to make me hurry even faster, but when anyone tries to rush me I find that I’ll go even slower just to piss them off. I’m not sure why I even do that.
“Yes I’m just about done.” I replied rather snappishly. That was about the zillionth time she had called me though, anyone would think that it was her getting married today. “But these heels are a fucking nightmare Jessica. I hate wearing new shoes for the first time!” Now where did I put those god damn plasters?
“Ok Sarah the cabs here, I’ve got your bag so let’s go.” Now she’s turned into my mother.
“Fine I’m coming now let me just grab this.” I picked up a cold piece of toast that had strawberry jam on it. It had been sitting on a plate on the kitchen counter top for over an hour and I stuffed it into my mouth whilst we ran down the steps to exit the building.
“Where can I take you to my lovelies?” The cab driver asked in a jolly manner.
“Hi we’re going to the registry office on Bow Road could you get us there as fast as you can please as we’re a little on the late side.” Jessica asked sweetly and put on her poshest expression in hopes that he would step on it a little faster if he thought he had a rich piece of totty sitting in his cab.
“Why certainly maam, I’ll have ya there in a jiffy.” He replied with a singing tone to his voice.
“Watch out you almost hit that cyclist.” Jessica scorned him and then mouthed the word sorry to the cyclist through the window as we drove past him.
“That’s ok ladies; I’ve had plenty of practice dodging those slight beggars.” He chuckled.
“Oh for God sake I just spilt jam on my top. Jessica I look like shit now, what am I going to do? That’s it I can’t go ahead with this anymore. This is a sign for me not to go through with it. I’ve realised it’s a stupid idea and I want to go home before I make a big fool out of myself.” My nerves had set in and I began to wonder what kind of an idiot I was for agreeing to go through with this scam in the first place. Yes the five thousand pounds I’d received certainly helped sway me and perhaps if I gave it back I could still get out of this but there had been no logic or sound reasoning for my decision in this outrageous matter.
“Look you don’t have to get hysterical.” She snapped. “First of all you’re not marrying this guy to live with him. All you have to do is say I do and then you can both fuck off on your separate ways. Here I have a femme fresh wipe you can use to clean that splodge. Now do you still want to do this or would you rather go home because I’m here for you hun? And maybe I can tell Robbie that you just couldn’t go through with it, after all it’s not like we know him and have anything to feel guilty about.” She pulled out her lippy and perfectly plastered another layer over her plump lips without using a mirror. I’d always admired her for having that talent.
“No! No I’ll do it. I’ve already said I would and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.” This was one of those things that I totally regretted agreeing to but I knew that I had an obligation to go ahead with; something other than the money was driving me tho, like a force of nature. I knew deep down that I would have done this regardless whether a payment had been made or not. I had knots in my stomach but I felt as though they were from excitement rather than nerves.
“Ere we are then ladies, I got you here safe and sound, Bromley public hall. That’ll be eleven quid even.” He pulled up alongside the pavement and smiled politely as he held his hand out waiting for either one of us to pay up. Maybe he should have knocked a fiver off for turning up so bloody late and almost causing an accident and for ruining my top.
“There you go keep the change. Now Sarah are you sure you still want to go through with this?” She was giving me my last chance to escape doing the dreaded deed and I toyed with the idea just for a second but nothing was coming forward and telling me not to go through with it. I waited for a sign, any sign, apart from the cab being late, the cyclist, and the jam, any other sign would do.
“Yep ready as I’ll ever be!” Neither one of us had thought this through properly and had paid little attention to any consequences that may occur from this.
“Ok then, let’s do it. Look there’s a crowd of people waiting and there’s Debbie waving like a frantic idiot. Hi Debbie this is Sarah, Sarah this is Debbie, so which one is Robbie?” Jessica questioned her and then gripped my arm as we raced up the steps.
“Just get inside they’ve called for you twice.” She replied and herded us inside the hall like cattle on a ranch. “Quickly come on now let’s hurry people are waiting”
As we were ushered into a small room on the left I looked around for the person I was about to be wed to wondering why he hadn’t had the balls to even approach me and at least say thanks for saving his grateful Canadian ass.
Jessica sat in the front row next to Debbie and I stood in front of a long table with a black marble top and gold painted legs. Two women were standing on the other side of it. One was wearing the most awful beige suit and the other in a sage green jacket and black trousers and obviously thinking she looked fantastic in that God awful red lipstick that she’d probably had since 1970. And that hair, it looked like she had gone for a rewiring job on her last visit to the salon.
Behind Jessica four seats were filled with women that I couldn’t identify. They were older and I assumed that they must be some of Robbie’s relatives. Standing next to me was a slim but fit built woman with short dark hair, blue eyes, and pretty cute looking. She was wearing a white suit with a carnation pinned to the lapel. “Who are you? And where is Robbie?” I whispered to her and why was she standing at my side?
Before she could answer the registrar introduced herself and her colleague and announced that we were all in the presence of Sarah Niles and Robin Page on this joyful occasion.
I must have missed something. Robbie wasn’t here yet. I swung round to look at Jessica for confirmation on what was happening but all I could see was her mouthing; “Sarah I’m sorry! I had no fucking idea.”
I didn’t understand why she was saying that until I saw the group of women seated behind her smiling happily and patting their weepy ridden eyes with tissues and looking directly at the woman standing right next to me. The sudden realisation that Robbie was actually present hit me pretty damn fast. I was marrying the woman standing next to me, the same sex as me; I was entering into a same sex marriage!
What the fuck? I thought to myself, what do I do now? How the hell do I get out of this one? But I had made a promise to help this person, oh God what have I gone and done? I could feel the sweat beading down my forehead and my stomach was starting to turn over with a feeling of sickness creating a dizzy sensation. There was one thing that had failed to have been mentioned in all of this, that one tiny little detail, one little word. Robbie was a woman. She had never been referred to in the he or she context. Or if she had, that I had been so oblivious to the possibility that someone would assume I would just do it anyway. All I could remember being said was dark hair, good looking, nice smile and kind of shy. My heart was beating fast and my chest began to tighten as my adrenalin kicked in so I excused myself from the room, a gasp came from one of the tearful ladies as I quickly legged it out into the hallway. Jessica swiftly followed me and instead of the expected serious questioning and what the fuck comments we just looked at each other and burst out into a fit of hysterical laughter. Could this really be happening to me? Three weeks ago I offered to help out Jessica’s work colleague; the wonderful Debs, who just happened to mention that a friend of hers needed to stay in the country and that marriage, was the quickest way to secure it.
I peered in through the slim piece of glass at the side of the door and caught a quick glimpse of Robbie smiling at me and made a mental note that she does have a nice smile. Whoa what was I thinking? I don’t admire other women, we’re all bitches behind each other’s backs when we get the opportunity to be. I have to say no! I can’t do this! Oh but I agreed to do it, how can I go back on my word now. This person’s situation depends solely on my decision and why had no one else come to her rescue; did she not have any friends who could have committed themselves to this illegal scam? This was the perfect time to walk out and never look back but I was already back on route to my bride to be and as I approached her I made my apologies for making such a quick exit and then announced to everyone that I was now ready to continue.
The registrar covered her disapproving grunt by pretending to cough and began to speak but all I could hear was blah blah blah. It was like living in an episode of a cartoon when the grownups talk was muffled. Oh how I wanted to not be a grown up right at this moment. Then I heard it; “Repeat after me; I Sarah Niles take thee Robin Page in…”
I could feel my mouth moving and sound was coming out but I had no idea what I was saying. Shock had started to play a role in this cruel joke. Then I felt my hand being lifted lightly into the air and a gold band was being placed on my finger. Her skin was soft and silky to the touch and her smell was irresistibly fascinating. Then there was a polite applause coming from the witnesses behind us and voices congratulating us on our marital union. Did these women even know that this was all a con?
When I finally snapped out of my daze I found myself sitting in a pub with my fourth drink of champagne in my hand and a rather large woman with her arms wrapped around me and kissing my cheek. Jessica was sitting opposite me with her head in her hands sobbing uncontrollably and saying that she was so sorry for getting me into this shit. I quickly downed my drink and pledged for another and then another straight after that. Robbie sat silent just sipping her beer but I did notice that her eyes were focused on me the entire time. Then this large woman who ever the hell she was handed me an envelope with a card inside. There were several signatures written in it with little quotes of good wishes for our marital success and a rather attractive looking confirmation letter showing a room booked for one night at a hotel. This was a rather extravagant hotel that sat nicely next to Tower Bridge and overlooked the Bride and the river.
A cab driver came into the pub and shouted cab for Niles Page! My bride and I were then shoved into the cab and waved off by everyone and I could see Jessica waving remorsefully with tears flowing down her face. This whole situation had been a farce, I felt as though I had been had in a really bad joke and that someone was going to leap out in front of me and shout ‘late April fool.’
The journey to the hotel was short but awkward and silent and I could feel Robbie’s eyes staring at me as I looked out of the window the entire way. All I could think was what the fuck had I just done? Her silence wasn’t doing her any favours with me either; could she not just thank me for putting my life on hold in her honour or was she just considering whether she had made a good investment with her five thousand pounds.
Once inside the hotel the receptionist greeted us with a nice welcome and informed us that our king size suite was ready. I explained profusely that that was out of the question and that we required two single beds in our room. She searched her computer screen for a few minutes only to inform us that everything else was taken as there was a charity bike race taking place in the morning and most of the cyclists were staying at the hotel. There was no choice we had to accept the suite, and a rather old looking gentleman claiming to be a porter showed us to our room which was on the fourth floor and was situated overlooking the bridge and the river. The ride in the lift was intense; a couple who were on their honeymoon were all over each other and making sloppy kissing noises. It was annoying and rude in my opinion. It would have been much easier to have gone our separate ways and buggered off home to…..home to what; four walls and a fucking T.V? Maybe in my desperation and loneliness I had been drawn into this scam just to gain a little excitement in my life.
Once inside the suite we were confronted by a large bed with cream sheets and a burgundy throw and rather large plump pillows. It practically filled the room. There was also a large couch by the window just big enough to sleep on.
My first words to my new wife were, “one of us can sleep on that I suppose.”
Speaking in her soft Canadian accent she quickly offered to do the honour. But I suggested we flip a coin for it, guess what, I should have taken her up on her offer and shut my big fat gob. Sleeping on couches definitely wasn’t my forte.
I sat on the big plump cushions and looked over at the dynamic bed that I had just lucked out on. It kind of ended my day on the same note that it had started with.
“I’m eternally grateful for what you have done for me.” Spoke this quiet soft voice. “I promise I won’t intrude on your life and that I’ll stay out of your way and I definitely won’t bring any one back to the house.”
“What house?” I asked surprised by her comment.
“Yours, you did agree that I could stay with you, didn’t you?” She had a slight confused look about her as if I should know what she was talking about.
“The only thing that I flaming well agreed to was to sign a piece of paper and that was all. There has been no offering of sharing my home with you, I think that there has certainly been a miscommunication on your side, I was led to believe that I would never have to see you again.” I was furious at the assumption of this woman and I was going to call Jessica first thing in the morning to sort this whole mess out.